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A Minimalist Parent

I can’t speak for all minimalists, but I would like to offer my philosophy on parenting as a minimalist. I have discussed before in a previous post how I go about raising a child in this lifestyle. That is not exactly what I want to discuss here. Here, I discuss what I believe to be the ideal mindset toward being a parent in general. I feel compelled to say something, because as I look out there in the world I see many parents in action, and quite frankly ……. I’m often appalled. I believe that so many parents out there are just doing it wrong.

As minimalists, we reduce our lives down to people and passion. We realize that life is all about the relationships we build and the things that compel us, the things that drive us; our passions. It is my belief that when we procreate we make a commitment. A commitment to ourselves, our spouse, and our child. A commitment to take on this child as our primary relationship, and our primary passion. The moment we bring a child into the world, our priorities shift this way.

We must establish strong relationships with our children. Be involved in every aspect of their lives. Their interests must become our interests. It is not enough for us to sit on the outside looking in and supervising. No no, that’s lazy. Our children are to feel comfortable with some sense of security that we are always there.

Too often do I see parents too involved in their own activities and pedantic drama, that they don’t give due attention to their children. I’ve seen dads playing video games, while their 2 yo is trying to get their attention to play with them. The dad says “Go away, can’t you see I’m busy here.” The child looks at the floor in sad rejection, and walks away. I go to indoor and outdoor “play areas” or parks, and see kids playing alone while their parents sit on the side gossiping with each other. These actions (or inaction’s) set the foundation for the type of relationship (or lack there of) we have with our children the rest of theirs and our lives. Of course, it’s always possible that what ever bullshit we were gossiping about with our adult friends on the side was more important than that (sarcasm).

Too often do I hear parents of older children complain that their children spend too much time on their digital devices and as a result are completely disconnected from them. To them, I have a couple things to say. First: If we had established a strong bond with our children from the get go, it would not have come to this. Second: In this new age, it is these digital media devices and social networking outlets that are the primary forms of communication. Or haven’t we heard? It is not the kids who are not communicating. It is the parents who have not modernized and caught up with the times to the new form of communication. Because you can bet sure as hell, the children are not going to regress into our old archaic obsolete ways of communication, gaming, and entertainment.

Let us not forget, as parents it is our job to connect with our children, not the other way around. Wanna connect with your kid? Pick up your smartphone, open a Twitter account, and get cracking. Want your kid to engage in activities you understand, and don’t seem like a waste of time? Instead, educate yourself on the activities they are involved in, and when you realize that not only is it not a waste of time, but there is an entire sub-culture around it, dive into these activities with your kid.

In summation: It is not your child that is disconnected from you. It is you that is disconnected from your child. Establishing that connection is YOUR job. In order for you to do that, you need to understand the world that your child lives in. Ya know, the real wold, and then meet them on their ground. The philosophy of “Well I’m set in my ways, and my son/daughter is just gonna have to meet me on my terms” just doesn’t work. Want to know why? Because your “terms”, your world, is obsolete. So get with the program, and get involved with our child’s life.

If all parents approached parenting based on these simple guidelines, we would avoid: Bullying suicides, teen pregnancy, school heroin epidemics, and school shootings. Think about it.

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Dispelling misconceptions and stigmas about minimalism.

Minimalism is a basic philosophy, an idea, a concept. An idea that has gathered a bit of a cult following. Unfortunately for most ideas, as they become popular, they evolve into a standard; a fixed and very specific set of rules and regulations. From what I have seen recently, the concept of minimalism  is slowly being perverted in this way.

This is no surprise however, as it is the human condition to take ideas and build on them. Heck, entire businesses, entire empires are all built on ideas, often very simple ideas. This is a very positive thing. It’s the very basis for civilization as we know it.

A problem occurs however when we focus too much on building on the idea, that we lose sight of the idea itself. We often reach a point where if we would just step back, we would realize that much of what we built on the idea, actually contradicts the idea itself. Civilizations and businesses have fallen apart because of this tendency. This is the reason why organizations write down and document the original idea in what they call a “Mission Statement.” And constantly refer back to the Mission Statement with every development, and every decision to see if they are in line with it.

To go just a little broader: We humans have a tendency to get so coupe’d up in the money, politics, competition, and/or power struggle (BTW these are all the same really) that we lose our purpose.

I digress

It has come to my attention that many minimalists are being unfairly judged, due to a misunderstanding of what minimalism actually is. I read the comments of ignorant people saying things like “If you are so minimal, then you wouldn’t wear makeup.” or “Why would a minimalist need such a big kitchen.” This has happened so often that many of these minimalists have shut down their YouTube channels due to all the ignorant judgement.

It has also come to my attention that all of a sudden, minimalism is a competition. Always am I seeing podcasts about “minimalists” bragging about how they have reduced themselves down to only (enter number here) possessions. And then two weeks later seeing the same “minimalists” saying “I can’t handle this minimalism thing anymore! I miss having all my things!” (or something like that). Then they quit. These are the people that are no doubt giving the public the wrong idea about minimalism in the first place, thereby generating the ignorant comments mentioned in the paragraph above.

Let me address this problem first by defining minimalism as concisely as possible. Then I will break it down even finer than that by elaborating on a couple focal areas of that definition.

Minimalism: The act, process, and lifestyle of reducing ones life down to only the elements that add value to that life.

(I am intentionally leaving out the “why” part of the definition and just leaving in the “what”, because it’s only the “what” that we are concerned with in this article. For a more full definition, please go to the This Site page.)

The key words in the definition above are “elements” and “value.”

Element: Anything that takes ones time, space, money, and/or energy. This includes our material possessions, activities, thoughts, and people we associate with. So basically, everything in our lives is an element.

Value: A level of personal fulfillment; a sense of purpose. An element gives our lives value if it provides personal fulfillment, or is a means toward personal fulfillment.

“Value” is where things get subjective. What has value to one person will likely not have value to another person. So the only person that determine the value of an element in ones life, is that person themselves. So before one can even incorporate minimalism into their life, there is a huge prerequisite. Ready for it?………..KNOW THYSELF. A person must have a really good grasp of who they are, and what they want out of life.

People who do not have a good grasp on who they are, but wish to embrace minimalism, turn minimalism into a numbers game. It’s easier to do that, than it is to determine what they value. Unfortunately this is not true minimalism at all. It’s really just getting rid of a whole bunch of stuff in an effort to fill some type of void (the anti-hoarding). People who do this are usually people that desperately need a life change, but do not know enough about themselves to accurately determine what that change should be. For these people, minimalism is attractive because of it’s simplicity.

People who do have a strong identity, are attracted to minimalism because of the time and focus it gives back to them.

 

There are many types of minimalists out there. There are ones that live in big homes, with a spouse and lots of children. As long as everything within the property adds value to their lives, they still qualify. There are backpackers that live out of their …… backpack, and get tremendous value out of satisfying their wanderlust. There are “efficiency” minimalists like myself that live a domestic life on a small scale. We live out of apartments, condo’s, and tiny homes.

So, if a minimalist likes to wear makeup, that doesn’t make her any less of a minimalist. Obviously that adds lots of value to her life. If she has a big kitchen, maybe she likes to cook large scale meals for friends and family. We don’t know her values, her passions, and we can’t determine them for her. Minimalism doesn’t dictate what our passions are supposed to be, only that follow those passions un-distracted.

For those who are playing the numbers game, your doing it wrong. Rather than focusing on the minimizing itself, instead determine and focus on what we want out of life. Once that is determined (and that might take a while, as it’s the hard part), we are in an excellent position to now custom tailor our life on this newfound passion; as we’ve already disposed with the excess baggage. It is even possible that with this new focus, this new passion, that we might even need to acquire some all new material possessions (God forbid). Don’t worry, we will still be minimalists tomorrow.

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Detached

As I lie comfortably in my bed at night staring out the window of my condo at a lamp post on the sidewalk of my building, I think about how within just a few yards of me there are hundreds of people living out their diverse lives who have their own joys and problems. I think about how even though we are all so close in proximity to each other, we are so completely oblivious to each other. We are so cooped up in our own lives that we don’t divert our attention to each other long enough to share just a moment of our time with each other. It’s a shame too. Because within just the confines of my condo complex, it is likely we would be able to find family within each other, if only someone would stop to say “Hi, how are you doing” during their walk from the front door to their car. People don’t take the time to get to know their neighbors anymore. People are too focused on trivialities, and too much in a hurry to be bothered. I think about all the potential people around me less than a quarter mile away, living out their lives in their condo.

 

A couple making love.

A child crying themselves to sleep because they have an abusive parent.

A teenage boy playing video games online in his room.

A teenage girl crying over a boy that dumped her.

A gay couple rejoicing with some Champaign, as they just began their own startup business together.

A three-time divorced woman wondering why she can’t make a relationship work.

An old man crying because he lost his wife to cancer a week ago.

A couple feeling joyous because they just learned that they are pregnant.

A couple embracing each other tight, in tears because they just learned that they can’t have children.

A new high school graduate unable to sleep, because tomorrow she goes off to college.

A single father breaking down in tears because he just can’t reach his wayward son.

A man staring at another strange sleeping woman in his bed with regret, because he just can’t seem to shake his wicked ways.

A lonely middle aged man, who has all but given up dating.

A woman with a black eye, who would rather be with an abusive man, then be alone.

A small family of four having a late night, game night.

A man fresh out of prison, trying to get a fresh start, filling out job applications.

 

These people should know each other. They can help each other. But we are so busy with our own small lives that we are completely detached from the people, the world around us. I can’t begin to tell you how many of the world’s problems today would be solved (or never have existed in the first place) if we were more connected with the people around us and less connected to the things in our lives; less connected with the trivial details.

People are important, not wealth, not status, and certainly not things. Proceed with that mantra, and we will find happiness in droves.